I Made Dostoevsky Roast Tesla's SEO (and Built a Free CLI for It)

Article What if Fyodor Dostoevsky reviewed your website's meta tags? What if MrBeast screamed at you for not having a sitemap? What if Trump declared your SEO "the worst he's ever seen"? I built a CLI to find out. npx seo-roast tesla.com --persona musk The Result: Musk Roasting His Own Company Score: 57/100 (C) "No meta description. That's fundamentally broken. Like launching a rocket without a guidance system." "No robots.txt. You're running a website without traffic rules. Anarchy. I respect it, but Google doesn't." "No sitemap.xml. You're making Googlebot guess your site structure. That's like asking someone to navigate Mars without a map." How It Works The tool scans 12 real SEO signals: Title tag (presence + length) Meta description (presence + length) H1 tags (presence + count) HTTPS Page load speed robots.txt sitemap.xml Canonical tag Viewport meta Image alt tags Script count HTML size Then it picks persona-appropriate roast templates for each issue found and calculates a score